November is almost over!  December tho!!! O well.  I am at work.  We took my mom to the airport today.  It was nice having her here.  I feel it was good for my sisters to have her here.  It seems like it was a nice visit.  Mom is cute.  We all need to see each other a lot more often.  WAY too many years have gone by with out seeing each other.  That really needs to end.  For all of us.

Anyway… I am feeling kinda down.  I feel like I try super hard at work and I feel that everyone around me, gets opportunities.  I know I can’t let that get me down, but it does.  I am just feeling down about me period.  I feel frustrated with myself,  how I look, my hair – seems like since my medical issues last year I have lost some hair.  It really bothers me, not sure what to do about it.  I have been using Nioxin and it doesn’t seem to help.  At all.  It seemed like I lost some hair then it stopped and now it seems to be shedding again or something.  I feel like hiding or something.  I am sure it is not that bad.  I have always had a lot of hair so this is freaking me out.  I wont do any coloring to my hair, concerned of more damage.  I am thinking about going to the doctor to get my levels checked, bloodwork and what not.  Also, my “wound” is acting up again…………..

This was probably the best Thanksgiving that I can remember.  Last year, I had my abscess and was hospitalized for 7 days.  Almost died, so they say.  I went into Renal Failure.  I was going septic.  It really makes you appreciate feeling well.  We take it for granted.  Then something happens.  An injury or illness and we realize how important our health and well being are.  It was scary, that experience I had.  It took me a couple months to heal.  It seems like the problem is still not over.  I have had a few reoccuring problems with it.  No answers to as why.  I had an Ultra Sound a few months ago.  Nothing.  Yet, I was having swelling and pain.

So, this year………..  my mom came to Utah.  (still here)  On Thanksgiving Brandon and I went over to Michelle’s.  We played with the kids, ate dinner, hung out with my family.  Brandon played with the kids a lot.  Video games and what not.  That was super cute.  We all went to see the new James Bond movie.  I can’t say that I liked that movie very well.  After that, we went to Daniel’s brother’s house for some pie.  Brandon and I left, played wow, relaxed, cuddled and watched some tv.  Friday, Brandon and I slept in… hung out, played wow, went to my sister’s for Thanksgiving part 2.  Played wii, with the kids and what not.  It was a good Thanksgiving.  Now we just need to get Christmas over and out of the way!!!

So two weeks ago, I started counseling again.  I went this last week and I go again in two weeks.  I feel good that I am going to counseling.  We are starting to go into my past.  Like childhood.  It is weird cause my childhood has a lot of blank periods.  Memory loss.  I don’t really get emotional about it.   Even though it is my childhood, it is more like a story I know.   I am sure if I were to stop and think about it, I am sure I could be emotional about it.  It might take a while for that wall to break down.  I wish I remembered more.  There are certain things that I have a feeling that happened to me, but I really don’t know.   I wish I did.   wonder if I will ever remember.  Even though it might be painful, the truth is important to me.   Even though the past is the past… it is a part of who we are today.  It affects how we deal with things and people.  How we view life, relationships, the opposite sex, friendships and everything.  Not remembering my past is like pieces of my puzzle missing.  How can I ever finish when I can’t find all the pieces?

Today is November 22,  Saturday.  I am at work.  Getting ready for my mom to come next week.  I guess Susan called her and asked if she wanted to come out.   Apparently, my mom thought she and Michelle were not talking.  I am not sure where she got that idea.  Who knows.  So she is coming out this coming week for a few days.  I am excited for her to meet Brandon.  Now it is down to my dad, Barb, Randy & family.  I am hoping we can make a trip out to California.  1.  Meet family  2.  Simply kick it in Cali  3. Get the rest of my stuff.  Records and what not.    Which reminds me…. Ted will be out before summer ends.  I am not sure what to do about all that.  I need to contact his mom.  I guess I need to send him a response back to his letter.  It is hard.  It has been a long tiome.  I am not sure what to say exactly.  Anyway, I should be working right now.

Money doesn’t even matter.  It’s that shit.  Money is just a means of getting more shit.  If you could replace everything of value with shit, you would.  You did.  That’s why you are here.  The things that mattered, that meant the most all pale in comparison to your true love.  Your only one, your one and only.  The apple in your eye.  The first thing you think about when you wake and the last thing you think about before you sleep.  Heh, Who am I kidding, sleep?  That is a joke.  It is more or less a time when you are still.  To regain your momentum of otherwise known as “falling out”.  When you have no choice and your body shuts down.  You lose your control and your perspective.  It is just another one of those things you begin to accept as normal with the life that you live.  Pushing yourself beyond human limits.  That is right, beyond human limits.  Do you catch what I am saying?  You have now metamorphosed into something that is beyond, far past RED LIGHT… and you’re still going.  CAUTION!  DANGER!!  STOP!!!  Yet, you sorta look both ways and say “fuck it”.  You go anyways cause you care a lot less.  Luck?  Fate? Coincidence?  You don’t even think of it longer than it takes you to blink any eye.
Oh yeah, back to my point.  Exhaustion + delirium + deprivation of those things that are required to exist, you have depleted to nothing.  What are your resources now?  More shit.  A vicious cycle that is shallow.  “Nothing a line can’t fix”, right?  Do you see what I am saying?  Life is an equation.  You claim this is all to help you equate.  It’s the biggest short cut.  You may have thought you found the answers.  You have solved the equation.  It is clearly a figment of your imagination.  You are not even working on the same problem/equation. You went on some other half cocked tangent.  While you continue to try and convince yourself that you are WORKING ON THE EQUATION.  Are you kidding?  You have now made an already complex equation way more complex that it was intended to be.  It is so distorted in your mind, your “thoughts”, your “reality”.  You can’t even remember what the equation looked liked.  Equation?  What?
Soon enough you stop fronting yourself and what you have been “trying to do”.  The equation doesn’t even exist.  It dosen’t matter.  Yes, you see the true self of what shit is and what it does.  It is inevitable.  Back to the exhaustion + delirium + deprivation.. a person is not meant to go to this level.  But, yeah, you do it daily, monthly, shit a year now 3 years, no way, 6.5 years later…  Now, with being completely in a corner with no where else to go and nothing else to do.  All things that made you function or feel normal are gone.  EVEN the pathetic version that you accepted.  Somehow is gone.  Nothing, no one.  You have no money, no drugs, no scam.  Nothing to offer anyone.  Worthless you feel.  Only because you don’t have money or drugs or some idea, you feel less of a person.
You have diminished to this.  This is what you have reduced to.  Feeling like nothing.  Forget losing your job, your home, your stability, your self worth.  YOU are more upset because you can’t even be a good criminal.  Forsook the things that should really be upsetting you.  I guess it is easier to forget about that shit and focus on the worst composition of what makes you who you are now or should I say what.  Oh you think I forgot about that beyond human and metamorphosing stuff.  Nope.  Not at all.  This was a little side tour.  Now bringing us back to the beyond human stuff.
What do we need as humans?  The basics.  Food, water and sleep are how we survive.  Take away sleep.  Forget food.  Maybe some water.  In what way do you think that this will work?  That is merely the essentials.  We aren’t talking about love, motivation, quality experiences, good self esteem.  But yeah, these are gone, aren’t they?
So you are risking everything.  All of the above and this is not a 1 or  2 time experience.  This is your life.  You can justify, glamorize, ignore or whatever you want.  But, when it comes down to it.  Y O U  K N O W  T H E  T R U T H.  This isn’t fun anymore is it?  Yet you still stay unmoved by your life falling apart.  Losing the people that mattered to you.  Your physical self deteriorating.  You will not betray or forsake it.  Your true love, shit.
I gotta stop now or I never will.
I was talking about writing in this case.  But the same goes for meth.

Time’s up, I can almost feel the cuffs. Time’s up, tell me this ain’t tough. Time’s up, they aren’t done with me. Time’s up, I’m about to give my plea.

“The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”

“Don’t compromise yourself. You are all you’ve got.”
My comment: Life can treat you like a bitch sometimes. Regardless it is one relationship that you can’t break up with, stop calling or put on your blocked list. It is there every morning you wake up, while you function during the day and when you sleep at night. You make it what you choose. You can love it good and bad. No matter it is still there. You are the most important thing to you. Treat yourself accordingly!!

“They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.”
My comment: I could not agree more. I am sure with natural progression of time there are residual changes. In a world that is not too far from where I am now, even with time, I see little change. I see the cycle/s repeat themselves over and over. Sometimes the faces change from person to person, but there seems to be a stand still; a stagnation and a lack of progression. Regression. Sometimes to be completely clear of the changes you make or need to make, you need to remove yourself. Consider another environment that offers something more than the last. What are we afraid of? Why do we allow ourselves to remain in conditions that do not produce anything positive. Life is amazing if you really choose to live it.

Your environment is essential in successful change. If your environment is negative, it makes the changes so much harder to accomplish. Sometimes we have to move away from our “element” to be able to have clear vision of our dreams and our goals. I had to leave what I considered comfortable, though it was truly a contradiction. I became accustomed to a lifestyle that was so far from comfortable. It was awkward, stressful and depressing. Yet I numbed myself to a way of life that I would have never agreed with, in right mind.
My actions were dangerous and foolish, but at the time, I saw no other way. At the end of myself, with no real notice or excuses to be had, I left… Now, my life is so different. I am not saying it is not hard, it is. I know the life I was living was much more difficult. I look back and I am shocked how I survived some of it. I am regretful of my activities. I consider myself lucky to be where I am now. Sometimes I question whether I deserve the good things that are happening in my life. I am trying to face my consequences and continue moving forward.

January 16, 2008